From 1.25.07


“Three years ago tonight, my son was a few days shy of two and a half years old.  I kissed him goodbye and went to bring my second son, his little brother into this world.  I remember thinking at the time, foolishly, how grown up and mature he was…

I was a cork; the pain was the ocean beneath me.  I visualized staying afloat; on top where I could breath.  I remember the calmness within the storm.  The memories are rich with strength, focus, and breathe.  I can recall the sound of whales in the background.  I can hear Krishna Das soothing me with gentle voice chanting “Shri Guru Charanam”…

“I surrender to the feet of the Guru, and find my refuge in God.

If I had no shame, no guilt, and no fear…then I could raise my eyes and look at you. But I can’t bear the love in your eyes. I have to turn away. Could you really be looking at me that way? No one has ever looked at me like that. How could this be? I am all naked in front of you. I want to run but my legs don’t move. I want to hide, but I see you everywhere I turn, and if I look up for a moment, you’re looking at me the same way. I have nowhere to hide. I fall at your feet and my eyes pour out their pain, sadness and longing. You bend down and lift me up. You wipe my eyes with the corner of your blanket. You ask me to sit by you. You show me that I am yours and you are mine, not just this moment, but always… At your feet, I am home.”

The first time I read those words, the song became about Motherhood for me.  Children are the wise ones, they are divine, and they are light.  I envisioned the little Guru inside guiding the way to our separateness that will never quite be separate.

Our perfect gift came into this world at 3:43pm on January 26th, 2004…three years ago…”


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